September 20th, 2009

(no subject)

Выполняю домашнюю работу по подготовке к EMDR. Задание было - проанализировать последствия травмы и сформулировать убеждения, которые стали ее результатом.

Десенсибилизация, значит?

Во мне что-то сильно сопротивляется этой идее. Вокруг травмы слишком много всего - переживаний, надежд, да и большая часть жизни была выстроена вокруг нее. А тут бац - мы просто обнуляем, как будто все это ничего не значило.

(no subject)

Иногда хочется быть "тупым американцем" - чувств и их глубины на копейку, зато тщательно их обсуждать, неистово их защищать, носиться с ними, как дурак с погремушкой - на тысячи долларов. Так легче жить как-то. Эмоциональные запросы от жизни маленькие. Много не надо, чтобы чувствовать себя живым. Впрочем, такие люди таких вопросов себе и не задают.

(no subject)

I'm doing my homework

I have hard times formulating the statements "I am [something]" as a result of my traumatic experience.

I do have a lot to say about what's happening to me as a result of those experiences. For example, "I'm constantly being dumped or abandoned", "people don't see me as a valuable person in their lives", "I'm always betrayed and left behind", etc. One of the main themes of my story seems to be - those things happened and keep happening to me no matter WHAT I AM. I could have been or I can be lovable, talented, smart, valuable, funny, but it had, did, is and will be happening to me anyway.

So before I started therapy I used to define the problem with me as - something is inrernally wrong with me. That "something" is not identifyiable. I used to describe myself as a computer that has fatal and irrepeirable error in the operating system. The cumputer is stuffed with great hardware and software but it can't function successfully and it can't be fixed. I get this a lot: people get puzzled - I seem to have more that enough potential and resources to succeed but the life I have seems to disproportionally lousy. I'm smart enough to have a great carrer, I'm attractive and loving enough to have good relationships, etc. None of that seems to be goinbg for me; although, I try.

Am I even doing it right? Should I be listing things like "I can't defend my boundaries" or

I experience a lot of inner resistance. Possibly because I don't quite understand what's going to be happening to me if EMDR is successful. Miss Little still doea not understand why foing EMDR is not giving up.